Jerry Seinfeld's inspiring and funny Quotes on life, work, marriage, and more

Jerry Seinfeld, Who is also known as Jerome Allen Seinfeld, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. Today in this post I am going to share the top quotes by Jerome Allen Seinfeld.

 1. “A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

2. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

3. “You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.” ~Jerry Seinfeld

 4. “Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. ” ~Jerry Seinfeld

5. “No soup for you.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

6. “You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld 

7. “I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!” ~Jerry Seinfeld

8.  “When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

9. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

10.  “I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

11.  “And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

12.  “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

13. “Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

14. “You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

15. “The best revenge is living well.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

17. “A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

18. “If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

19. “It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld 

20. “The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

21. “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

22. “Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ” ~Jerry Seinfeld

23. “According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

24. “What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

25. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

26. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

27. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

28. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason” ~Jerry Seinfeld

29. “Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld 

30. “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

31. “When you are driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

32. “We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on. - to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

33. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

34. “Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going "what do you mean there's no time?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

35. “Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

36. “Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

37. “I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  I could easily survive on that.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

38. “Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don't know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  

39. “we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on. Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

40. “Newman!!!” ~Jerry Seinfeld

41. “No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way?" ~Jerry Seinfeld

42. “There is no such thing as love for the whole family.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

43. “The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'." -to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” ~Jerry Seinfeld

44. “But the health clubs are a little too strict. What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

45. “The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try to commit suicide, for some reason they don't die, and that's it. They stop trying. Why don't they just keep trying? What's changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact. it's worse, because now they've found out here's one more thing you stink at. And that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. They give up too easy. I say, pills don't work? Try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

46. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

47. “Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

48. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

49. “I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

50. “If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

51. “You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

52. “Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

53. “Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

54. “I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

55. “The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

56.  “i chose not to run” ~Jerry Seinfeld

57.  “I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings” ~Jerry Seinfeld

58. “Festivus for the Restivus!” ~Jerry Seinfeld

59. “The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” ~Jerry Seinfeld

60. “A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

61. “What men want is to do whatever the hell stupid thing it is that we’re doing, and if you could please just leave me the hell alone and let me do it, I think we’ll both be a lot happier.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

62. “Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

63. “All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other in life. This is the male code.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

64. “When you're married, you are a part of a vast decision making body. Before anything is accomplished, there's got to be meetings, committees have to study the situation.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

65. “The best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

66. “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

67. “I believe we're all secretly happy we can't figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

68. “Well that's it, I give up. I really don't know what the women are thinking. I've talked with them. I've studied them. I've asked them to study me. And I have to admit I am still at aquare one.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

69. “Gutter Ball You don’t think we’re horrible parents? You take a kid bowling now, they have these rails that come up out of the gutters. So when the stupid kid rolls the ball, it has to hit a pin. Has to. We eliminated the gutter ball. Nice preparation for life. I think the gutter ball is really the only life lesson a kid really needs to have. You either do the thing you’re doing right, or there’s a huge ka-klunk sound”

70. “Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

71. “But that’s what marriage is. It’s two people. That’s it. Trying to stay together, without saying the words “I hate you.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  Which you are not allowed to say. Don’t say that. You can feel it. That’s okay. Just don’t let it come out. Say something else. Anything. Say, “Why is there never any Scotch tape in this god damn house?” “Scotch” is “I.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  “Tape” is “hate.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  “House” is “you.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  But it’s better. It’s better to say, “You know, no normal human being leaves a bathroom floor that wet.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld 

72. “The hospital is: Rest. Cleanliness. And if it doesn’t work out, they help you get to the next place. When you walk in the sign says “Hospital,” but it could also be: Bed, Bath and Beyond.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

73. “Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

74. “Ainda não sei ao certo de onde vêm as piadas. Talvez de uma mistura emocional de tédio, agressividade, intensa acuidade visual e outro tipo de agilidade da mente que nos permite transformar o que vemos naquilo que queremos ver” ~Jerry Seinfeld

75. “How come every day there's exactly the right amount of news to fill the paper?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

76. “Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed” ~Jerry Seinfeld

77. “There’s a level of boredom where you cannot support your body weight. My parents would take me to the bank and I would just liquefy. I’d walk in, “Oh, I can’t handle this…” The legs just give out. They’d turn around from the teller’s window and I would be flat on my back in the middle of the floor. Out cold from boredom. How many times did your parents have to say to you, “Would you get up off the floor?” “I can’t. I’m so bored.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  They do that scream whisper, “I said, GET UP…” They would grab your arm to try and pick you up, and you would just twirl around the floor like cooked spaghetti. “I can’t get up, Mom. I’m so sorry. I have no bones anymore from the boredom of this bank.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld  Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

78. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

79.“Grandpa, you mean when you were a kid, no dogs could vote?” “That’s right, Jimmy. They had no say in the world at all. They were just pets.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

80. “The most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in office is that when you show up in the morning you say "hi" to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld

81. “I love those small airplane bathrooms. It's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It's a little surprise part every time you go in.”  ~Jerry Seinfeld